Day 6

Pic from tonight; I'm the one on the right.

I have decided not to quit! I feel much better this morning and I have already done the saline wash and had 2 bowel movements. Last night I was packing the food my mom made into tupperwares since noone was else was taking the initiative to do it and I had pretty much decided that I'm going to quit and start over on Jan 2nd. Then something else came to my mind, even if I wanted to quit, I will not be able to physically. I just couldn't get myself to put the piece of kafta (middle eastern meat balls) in my mouth. I mean it's been 5 whole days since I have eaten solid food, what will this piece of meat due to my stomach? If I decide to quit I'm going to have to start with the juices and the broths to avoid any dangers to my health and then move on to fruits and veggies, I can't just go to the wedding tonight and eat the steak then cake with coffee; I'll probably just get too sick or feel too down to enjoy the rest of the festivities anyway. Also as I was packing away the food and contemplating taking a few bites I realized that I've now developed a strong control over my desires and I don't want to lose that, it was like I was actually afraid of eating, like I knew it wasn't time yet and I was doing something bad that I will regret and I'm too afraid to get to the point of regretting or feeling down or bad about myself. I don't know if that's how I would have felt if I did quit but I'm too afraid of that possibility. I haven't felt strong and in control in a long time and I don't want anything to jeapordize this moment of power. I don't mean to sound all poetic but that's really how I felt and how I'm feeling now. Wow, I'm like tearing up right now. This is why I decided to go on with the MC!!!

Can you believe that last night I thought that eating is essential to enjoying myself at a major religous holiday and one of my good friend's weddings???? Do the rest of you think like that or is this just my own personal low self-esteem. That's what it is, it's low self-esteem!!! I don't enjoy myself because at 5"1 and a size 12 I just always feel fat and food makes me feel good. So I guess this classifies me as a food addict along with a coffee addict, there's no stigma with admitting the latter but the former is different. There are other things I can do to enjoy myself at my friend's wedding, the holiday, and the other events. Why don't I actually put in some effort into what I'm wearing tonight and get creative with the makeup and put on comfortable shoes and prepare to dance like the other girls? Why don't I make an effort to conversate with people from my past and ask them about how their doing? Why don't I ask them to come visit me out in New Orleans there's so much to see there? Why don't I sit with my mom and sister and enjoy spending time with them and tell my mom 'this is the kind of thing I want at my wedding' or 'this is exactly the kind of thing that I don't want at my wedding' or whatever? Why don't I make an effort to get to know my sister's friends? As for the holiday, there's a reason for it other than to eat so maybe I should read up a little more and why we celebrate Eid Al Adha (the sacrifice) and be thankful for my blessings! Why don't I spend the evening before writing personalized cards to friends and family that live out of state from me? Why don't I also spend the night before secretly decorating the house for my family? FOOD IS NOT ESSENTIAL TO ENJOYING MYSELF there are so many other alternatives that are better for my mental health and well-being anyway.

Graphic Material: At this point my number 2 is just like number 1, the only difference really is the color which is probably due to the cayenne pepper. I don’t know if this means I’m clean or not but the weird thing is I never noticed the so called mucous that others describe.

Around Midnight: Before the wedding today I got my eyebrows done and I put some effort into my outfit and actually did my makeup! I felt pretty so I felt good. I took a couple of pictures before my camera ran out of battery maybe I’ll post a couple up later. I had a good time! I talked to alot of people, did alot of dancing. That's right, I had fun!!! I proved to myself that food is not essential to having fun. Of course, my circumstance of not eating anything at all is a little extreme but in the future I can see myself just eating the soup/salad and taking just a few bites of everything else and having a great time!

I took my lemonade with me in a squirt bottle (about 2 cups worth) and drank it as everyone else was eating. Of course everyone on my table asked why I wasn't eating so I just told them about the master cleanse. I eventually got self-conscious and poured the lemonade into a coffee cup. I let one of my friends sip some and she complained for about 15 minutes after about how hot it was and how it's hurting her throat. My mother kept pressuring me to eat some of the chicken to no avail. I didn't bring enough lemonade with me and I got hungry so I was wishing really bad for some lemonade, I'm actually craving it right now!!!!

For those of you reading who are already on the MC I want you to know that it gets easier!! For those of you reading who are contemplating starting the MC I want you to know that as part of this experience I discovered valuable things about myself the past couple of days as a result of going on the MC, things that made me stronger and will probably result in me living in not only a healthier lifestyle but also more fulfilling and fun! That's one of the unforeseen advantages of the MC.